Generally, young people feel happy when they are in a romantic relationship. The world seems to belong to just them and their partner. They often overly tolerate behaviors from their partner that actually harm them both physically and mentally. Dating violence can occur when the relationship is not built on mutual respect. A toxic relationship tends to lead to dating violence.
When I was still active in Hope Helps UIN Jakarta, an institution that provides services for responding to and reporting sexual violence at the university, we often received various reports of cases ranging from dating violence to sexual violence. Sadly, dating violence is a problem in silence; it is rarely discussed, and its presence is sometimes even tolerated in the name of love.
Dating violence often links the violence youths experience in the families they grow up in with the violence some experience in the families they establish as adults. Adolescents often confuse abuse with love, feeling that violence indicates a commitment that will ultimately benefit the relationship. Dating violence is any act based on gender differences that results in or is likely to result in physical, sexual, or psychological harm or suffering, including threats of certain acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life. Forms of violence in dating can be categorized into sexual, physical, emotional, and economic violence. The following is an explanation of the categories of dating violence, namely:Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and financial abuse.
The Impact of Dating Violence and Sexual Coercion on Young Women
Young women were resistant to defining boyfriends as violent or abusive for a range of reasons. Women commonly feel shame associated with having a partner who uses violence against them. When a young woman was still with her boyfriend the interdependence of the couple’s identities meant she would not want her partner to be known as violent as that positions her as unequal and a victim and therefore under pressure to terminate the relationship, which she may not wish to do. Finally, the individualistic discourse encourages young women to understand violence and abuse as a problem of the individuals involved. Acknowledging a boyfriend was violent would represent her personal failing and inability to choose a suitable partner.
In addition to societal pressures, the normalization of unhealthy behaviors in relationships can make it even harder for young women to identify abuse. Many young women may have internalized certain harmful beliefs, such as the idea that jealousy, control, or possessiveness are signs of love. This normalization can blur the line between care and control, causing them to dismiss early warning signs of violence. Furthermore, popular media often romanticizes toxic relationships, portraying persistence, jealousy, or aggressive behavior as passionate or devoted. This cultural influence can further complicate young women’s understanding of what constitutes a healthy versus an abusive relationship.
Another factor contributing to the reluctance to acknowledge abuse is the fear of social repercussions. Young women might worry about being judged by friends, family, or their community if they admit to being in an abusive relationship. This fear of stigma can create an environment where they feel isolated, believing they are alone in their experience. They may also fear not being believed or supported, especially if their partner is well-liked or perceived as charming by others. This social isolation can trap them in the relationship, as they may not want to risk damaging their social circle or facing public scrutiny.
Economic and emotional dependence can also play a significant role. Young women, particularly those in their formative years, may lack the financial independence or resources to leave an abusive partner. Additionally, emotional dependence, built through prolonged attachment and intimacy, can create a strong bond that is hard to break. The idea of leaving a relationship often means facing uncertainty and loneliness, which can be frightening. In such situations, they might convince themselves that their partner’s behavior will change or that they can “fix” the relationship, further delaying their decision to leave.
The Most Difficult Person to Walk Away From
Although it often appears insignificant and is considered not a big issue, dating violence is still a behavior that should not be tolerated. When someone who loves us deeply and cares for us engages in actions that are harmful and even cause physical and mental harm, there is nothing wrong with deciding to end the relationship. You can tell them that you have had enough of the violence, you raise an ultimatum if they finally don’t give up their game, you’re going to be leaving (even though, I know that is the last thing you really want, I really know you love your partner!) you may be shaking and flushed after you have spoken. You’re feeling you might be crazy (surely it’s crazy to threaten to leave someone you love who says they love you!)
You’d expected all sorts of dark responses on their part, but something that is on the surface rather lovely now happens. They admit it! They confess! They say ‘’my goodness you’re right, i hadn’t really fully realized until now, until you made me finally open my eyes to how i’ve harmed you. Babe, I hear you! Baby, I’m so sorry!’’ The person promises that they will now change. They just need a bit of time, they just need your understanding. They suggest getting a therapist for themselves, maybe once a month or so, and then you give them a chance. But three months later, their old behaviors, like yelling at you, intimidating you, and making you do things you don’t like, start to resurface. Then your partner apologizes, and you accept it. This is a sign that your relationship is unhealthy. It’s time for you to end that relationship.
You must be brave enough to say “enough” to your partner. I know that leaving someone you love, and who says they love you, is the hardest thing that can happen in your life. Maybe you are afraid that the person who shared their whole life with you will hate you, but it’s okay to be hated for a while. Your ex will move on with their life, and they may be happy again shortly after the breakup. So, it’s normal for you to choose to quit a toxic relationship.
How to End It?
Deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship is one the trickiest and consequential decisions we can face, so it’s important early for you to make sure you have a healthy relationship with your partner. Even though you cannot change your partner, you can make changes in your own life to stay safe. Consider leaving your partner before the abuse gets worse.